Do you have this constant sense of crankiness going on? Like on a surface things look good:
but deep inside there is this sense of dissatisfaction always lurking, stealing away your happiness? Why is that? Friend, I am gonna help you figure it out.
I was in that spot for many years. I did not understand why or what to do about it.
I thought something was wrong with me. But in reality NOTHING was wrong with me… my brain was doing exactly what it was designed to do. So if you are in that place let me help you understand where is this deep sense of dissatisfaction coming from.
For all my female immigrants interested in joining my SELF CONFIDENCE BOOT CAMP in April 2022, here is your link:
Episode # 9 Why are you unhappy?
Hello my dear friends. How are you doing? I have not been here for a while and I feel I need to explain myself a bit.
I have been working on a second round of my online program for women self confidence boot camp. It’s been truly an amazing experience so far. So much fun!
So before we get to the main topic today I will tell you a little bit more about what I have been up to. I started this online program in January. I guided a group of women through a series of lessons on self confidence. They learned what true self confidence is all about, why everyone wants it, why it is so attractive and how to build it so it lasts. We looked at their thoughts about themselves,and what specifically stands in their way of feeling confident. Most of us doubt ourselves a lot, and we beat ourselves for not feeling certain of what we want. We’ve addressed a lot of this, and many of the women that went through the program experienced inner shifts in their self concept and now enjoy feeling this peaceful sense of inner power. Listen, when my clients get results I get all pumped up! This is why I do what I do!
When we were working in January I realized that many of them had areas of their lives that felt unmanageable and many of them wanted to keep on going. So I’ve decided to create an extension program called Self Confidence Boot Camp Boundaries. This is a 2 month program during which we address various areas of your life. First we look at your habits: how much screen time do you have everyday, what do you eat, what do you drink, how much, how does that make you feel, what false pleasures do you entertain, what is that costing you, what are your thoughts about money, how much do you make, how much do you spend, I teach you how to create a true sense of well being, not based on false pleasures, we look at how do you spend your free time, do you actually manage it or does it kind of happen and you end up sitting at front of tv all evening, not really relaxing, just distracting yourself… so all of this is explored in month 1, then the following month we dive deep into interpersonal boundaries, we look at your romantic relationship, and later, your family and friends and work relationships as well.
I am not gonna lie to you. It is intense. For me and for my students. Both of these programs are for you if you are ready to shift your mindset. If you feel tired of how things are and want something different in your life, and you realize that since you create your life experience, you are gonna have to do something to change it.
So to all ladies listening, I am starting another round of Self Confidence boot camp in the beginning of April. If you want to know more about it, look at the description of this show. I have a link there where you can learn more and sign up.
Okay, now let’s talk about why you are so unhappy. If you are an immigrant like me, you might have this sense of inner dissatisfaction in life, you are cranky all the time and you don’t know why. Not everyone has this, but some of us do. I did, for years. And this is exactly what I want to address with you today. So this is what often happens. We move to a different country and we do our best to somehow survive. Many of us are totally overwhelmed with everything that is new, we do our best just surviving, just trying to somehow make it work. As we are doing our best to survive we are adjusting, changing, we start to shift how we think, what we like… we want to be a part of this new society we joined and in that process we lose ourselves a little bit. This is completely normal.
But there comes a point where your basic survival is solid, you know how to communicate well with people around you, your job is secure, your day to day life falls into a safe routine. And then with time you start feeling this sense of dissatisfaction. Like on one hand life is good, you made it, you could be proud of it. But on the other hand there is a part of you that feels cranky most of the time and you don’t know exactly why but you don’t feel happy. If I was to ask you why? You will tell me I don’t know. If I was coaching you guess what question I am gonna ask you next?
SO I ask you why are you unhappy? And You tell me: I don’t know Ewelina.
And then I say: well, guess. Pretend that you do.
I would ask you to pretend, why? Cause you do know, but you’ve spent some time convincing yourself that you don’t so I need your brain to find a door inside your mind and go through it, and pretending is a great way to trick your brain into opening a door it didn’t know it existed.
And when you go through that door, guess what we are gonna find? All different kinds of thoughts that argue with reality. That argue with how things are. We immigrants complain in our heads a lot. We look at the society we joined and we find so many faults in it.
We think and often say out loud: In my country, people don’t do that! In my country people know what is important in life, they don’t chase after money so much. In my country when you come to somebody’s house people offer you food, and hot tea, people here are not that great of hosts. In my country when you get sick, you can just go see a doctor and you will not have to spend hours waiting for someone to see you. In my country, you can go to college for free, education is so expensive here. In my country people are smart, they actually read books and work hard.
In my country people care about family, not like here. In my country I have real friends, people here pretend to be nice, but they talk behind your back.
How could you feel happy if your brain is constantly comparing and constantly finding what’s wrong with the place you live in? When do you have this inner bitching going on 24/7?
It’s impossible right? Your thoughts create your feelings, the reason why you are unhappy is because you argue with what’s happening around you all of the time. And then you also so often are dissatisfied with yourself… deep inside if we were to poke at your self concept you would discover that you attack yourself for not being as successful, as popular, as beautiful as you’d imagine you would be. And this inner dissatisfaction is a result of that exact argument.
On top of that some of you out there also have another conversation happening:
If I stayed in my country I could be a doctor by now.
If I stayed in my country I wouldn’t have to choose between staying at home with my kids and my career.
If I stayed in my country I wouldn’t have to feel so guilty for not being there for my parents.
If I stayed in my country, I would’ve been so successful by now.
If I stayed in my country, I would have a beautiful home by now and wouldn’t have to live in an apartment.
If I stayed in my country and married that guy, I would’ve still been married, now I am here, I am divorced and alone.
If I stayed in my country, I wouldn’t have to work at this simple job, I could actually use my education.
Tell me, how is that serving you? How is that helping anything? That argument is creating this sense of regret and dissatisfaction. You don’t wanna create deep meaningful relationships with people around you, you close yourself off, you dream about your past… and your life is passing you by. All the opportunities to create deep meaningful moments in your day, go by, cause you sit there and you dwell in how it was and in what could have been.
And who is creating this little hell. You are my dear friend. It’s your own doing… you create your misery… and because of that you can also get yourself out of that spot, on purpose.
You can decide to look for what’s working, what’s good, what are all of the things you can be grateful for. Direct your brain to the good.
Complaining is easy, it takes no effort. Here is why. Your lower brain is scanning your reality for what is wrong, this is happening automatically in your head. God made us this way so we would survive in this reality, but as your brain is looking for what is wrong it’s delivering the thoughts that create that sense of dissatisfaction. When I tell you that you can direct your brain to the good, what I mean by it is, use the other part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex. Take a piece of paper and make lists… write it out: what is good? What works? What has been working out well? What do you enjoy about living where you live? Who are the people you like? Why? How have you created a sense of connection with them? What do you have in common with your neighbor? What do you like about your coworkers?
You have to teach yourself to redirect your brain to see the good, this is how we create a sense of satisfaction, and belonging.
And remember you are definitely worth the work. No matter what happened in your life. All the struggles you’ve gone through, you deserve to give yourself a chance to feel better. Especially if you have gone through a very, very difficult time… no matter what happened you’ve survived it, and you can acknowledge what took to get here, you can be proud of yourself for it.. Life of an immigrant is not easy. We all know this. If you made it abroad… You are a rock star! A badass.
Even if your brain says: Oh it’s not that big of a deal, other people have done it.
Yes other people have done it but it does not mean that it was easy. It was hard and it is still hard, but you are showing up and you are making it happen! So hey, I genuinely mean it, you can give yourself credit for it! You’ve earned it!
And to all of my immigrant women out there, listen my ladies: If you want to shift that sense of dissatisfaction, come join my course. So many of us walk around with old self concepts, not understanding how to manage emotions, why we constantly run away from ourselves pretending that everything is fine.. Why we feel low, why when we compare ourselves to other women we have this sense of I am not as good as she is. I am not enough,
We dwell in our not enoughness… You know what I say: Enough of this BS! Enough with this already! You have been created by God exactly how you are. You are worthy because he created you! Your uniqueness is your value. If you were to die, there would be a big empty whole and nothing would be the same, because you would not be co-creating this reality with your unique energy. I want you to see that and celebrate it, every single day! Celebrate your life, feel how special it is that we are here, that we get to live and enjoy, and love each other.
That’s what I want for you, and everyone else. So if you are ready, come join me in April. And if you are listening to this podcast later on… I am sure I am running some sort of program, cause I love it so much… you will be able to find out more about it on my website!
Okay my wonderful friends I will talk to you next time! Bye!